With much convincing I decided to go ahead and write more often than usual and I was told the 5 minute freestyle might work; so here it is:
I honestly feel like I started having a hard time expressing myself from being so sheltered and not having much of an option to voice my opinion at a young age. for some reason though, I was able to express myself -EASILY- to people who don’t know me from a can of paint; because they’re not so quick to judge. When they’re your family or loved ones they seem to require so much, expect so much, think either less or so highly of you, that they really… don’t… see you… They don’t see you. My bf, sometimes I DON’T KNOW what he sees… Sometimes I feel like he sees a strong, an intelligent/smart, and a hard working young woman -then other days… I feel like he sees a weak, stupid young woman with a low self esteem. And often times I feel like more of those “weak, stupid” days outweighs any other. *SHRUGS* I just don’t know what he sees… *Now I finally see where the flaws/imbalance comes in with my scale (I’m a Libra)* I say that above, because I KNOW I’m confident, strong, loving, easy/out going person but days I feel like my weakest and completely less of myself, I feel like I can’t control it on the inside. It continues to show its face in front of my parents and boyfriend; that they can’t see who I know and feel I AM!
* Part 2 is where you collect your thoughts and reflect on what you just wrote*
Looking back, when I was younger I guess you can say I was living a “double life” -not literal to where I told the truth outside of home then lied inside of home; but more so being able to express myself in and outside of home. And that’s what made it harder for me. And as I get older year by year I see slight changes. I just want to be able to be open and transparent as possible without being judged or so critical. I don’t want this to affect my relationship with for instance my boyfriend or husband and we have a hard time to communicate with each other. I want to be able to express as much as I listen with an opened mind, heart, and opening ear.