So, I haven’t posted much Inspirational/Motivational posts (at all I think) or what not because I felt like during this Not so Trying  “but this is the Worst I’ve ever felt in a While” Time (LOL) I wanted to tap more into my Poetic, creative, and emotional side; by revising some of my old poems and posting new ones like “If You Only Knew” and it has helped but it took some time away to share my thoughts on couple of things I’ve been going through. . .

Like: (Dun, Dun, DUNNNNNN)

“Can I get Relationship 101 for 500 Alex?” or constantly reminding myself what my purpose is and why I’m alive, and why I am so in Love with who I am? It’s so many I can keep going but you know we all have those moments where we have to constantly reflect because ultimately at the end of the day, it helps us HEAL. We may not see the good/positive in reflecting but it really does help. Many people don’t because there are skeletons and demons that many don’t want to accept -but they loved all the good moments and memories they’ve put in your life, and that’s okay… Let’s just say they’re late bloomers to this “Growing Ish”…. It’s really levels to growing and healing from a situation that has put you in a dark place; and that for me was my last relationship. *SIGH*

Just to make brief I was in a long distance relationship for 2 years (well a year and 360 days -Ha!), and one morning it just so happened that I had a great idea to have a talk  (Way to Go Ronny LOL) during a break at work. I simply just wanted to pick my boyfriend’s brain at the time and just ask him a couple of questions real quick and talk about the kids I worked with BUT… it backfired (like everything else does) and we ended our conversation mutually agreeing to breakup with one another. Honestly, to me probably the stupidest decision I’ve ever made (saying now: but then I thought it was right because I knew that’s what HE wanted). That’s where it began. We were still friends, still talked here and there, you can tell we weren’t used to this new routine we decided to go through with, but we- I had to deal with it. After a while, I didn’t want to anymore.

I knew that this was going to be hard for me but I really felt like I was losing everything. After a while I started to gain questions, I wanted to understand the point of the decision we made and understand where I lied in his life. Although he said we were friends, I knew deep down inside of him I was something more or less than (what he was trying to make me seem) that he didn’t want to accept. There were no boundaries, I couldn’t talk to my best friend about anything anymore, and I had to accept that he was ready to move on. He was okay with us being weird … Lol that’s the first word to describe the situation -don’t judge me but I wasn’t ready – AT ALL!

I didn’t like anything. There was so much confusing and still is sometimes. No balance and as for a Libra you know that’s trouble and after while I guess you can say it lead to different events of confrontation.  But how did I get to this moment? Honestly, through a lot of convincing and praying. LOTS of Praying and oh, crying. It was hard. When you find yourself trying to fix things that were never broken you tend to feel insane. Like you’re saving a relationship/friendship that doesn’t want to be saved.

*think of it this way* There will be situations where relationships fall apart due to both parties just blatantly disrespectful like cheating, deceiving, domestic violence etc. those are moments where it may be broken and cannot be fixed; but when you’re dealing with two people who can’t even seem to find an actual reason to their break up it’s like the couple itself is doing the damage subconsciously. It’s the emotional and sometimes mental damage, needs that aren’t being met and that’s where the relationship can have cracks and it could’ve been fixed but the steps were not properly made to do so and made the crack worse… Made sense? If not, comment below…

Ultimately, it makes you feel at your worse and it hurts more when you don’t know or can’t find the answers you need; or even when the person you love -you’re respecting the process to Heal and move on but you can’t even have a simple conversation with him/her. It gets bad, it make you feel like talking to that one person is such a crime. Honestly I was told countless times TO NOT TALK to my Ex. AT ALL. Like *dust hands off* “Finito! You guys are finished -give yourself time” but I didn’t trust it. There were days where I pushed myself to Heal (everybody else’s way) and not talk to him but those were days -where it just seemed I had so much to say and then he’ll randomly call, text you, slide through DM’s (for anyone whose Social Media savvy lol) and it made you feel like okay now, I have an opportunity -can I talk to him now? Or no? But I did anyway and was hush mouth.  I actually ended being hush mouth at this point because there were times, when I was being upfront about things and just speaking my mind, but being mindful of course of what I say -but even that was too much for Him. You tend to tell patterns of how conversations go, when its short talk -he wants your attention, or even give you attention because he feels like he knows you’re going to respond to him he feels like he has that power. It goes both ways for this. It’s going to feel like you’re indulging because of course you miss the person you love/walked away from and it feels like it’s not helping you at all; but at least you’re still giving yourself time.

For the past 3 months I went 2 days/week, 4 days/week -and then almost a week without talking to my Ex, and when I felt like I was making progress -I felt like I wasn’t. This wasn’t the kind of healing I wanted to go through. I don’t want to have to not talk to the person who I know is MY best friend -whether people think it’s good for me or not! You have to know what’s good for you. You have to believe that once you decide to Heal your own way that it will manifest and that it will help you! It’s not that I didn’t apply what people have said to me and tried to help me get through -because I did and sometimes it worked but other days/nights it didn’t. I had to analyze everything and make my own rules. I don’t like following other people’s rule anyway or feeling like I have to do IT their way because It was limited and constricted. I tend get uneasy and uncomfortable when I start to feel that, so I took matters in my own hands and I’m doing pretty well. I’m actually proud of myself. There are days when I fall into the easiest traps and not being careful but we all are human. The Healing process for anything is hard. You painted this picture of how you wanted things to be and go and when it doesn’t you have to remember the painting is going to always be there, it didn’t crumble it’s about the steps to getting to that picture. You follow?

When and while healing take proper steps to seek and learn from other people’s experience (that you of course confide into) but remember: this is your Healing Process and if praying every day for a person and believing what you know is true, he or she is yours; believe that and pray that you guys’ friendship gets better and that you guys relationship is BIGGER and GREATER the next time! It’s about you and how you’re going to get through this. I wanted to write something about my relationship a while ago but then is was too fresh for me to mention so I had to find a way to build myself back up again and that’s when I came up with “Dear You” a Self-Love and reflection poem to re-build my/ your strength back up. When you invest all the time, mental and emotional stamina to build a friendship and to be totally invested intimately -to end the way it did, it feels devastating and will drive you crazy. It will make you feel like you were the problem and will cause your brain to make you believe you are this horrible person but you’re not. You’re amazing with or without the person you want to be with or the person who left. It’s up to you to believe it and to truly be in Love with yourself. By the way it is possible to be full blown fledged in LOVE with yourself and be in Love and build with someone else. It’s possible.

Mind you… I’m still healing but I wanted to share my thoughts and that we all need help in some way. So as far as relationships (friendships is type of relationship btw) you only Heal when it comes from within and you’re able to point out where it hurts and where the scars have been made. Follow your true instinct with Healing because it’ll be hard trying to wrestle with what people feel is best for you (because they want the best for you) and what you know is best for you. People will disagree but it’s what makes you and your relationship stronger! It ONLY about YOU, no one else.

To all the people that have helped me get there I thank you -because you guys have pushed me!

To my Negus: I Love you and Heal.

Peace and Heal to all,

NykiiJae xoxo



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