Commitment Issues

I often feel like writing is a reflection of my relationship. Like how my habits and what I do and say reflect some how my relationship would be…

I easily get tired and find myself sleeping excessively when I have the time, which can end up being all day or all night. I’m always working and if I’m not doing that I’m mastering my craft -dancing, at church, or sleeping… I know, I know -EXCUSES, EXCUSES … but …. it’s trueeeee (lol as I pout while writing this out)  😩🙃😂 I literally tried to help myself, by “making my life easier” somehow:

  • Downloading WordPress on my iPhone in case I forget to write at all (why not use a device that’s more accessible than your computer? *shrugs*)
  • Use Notes on my iPhone incase I don’t use WordPress
  • Download other apps that can help my writing platform
  • Keep my notebook in my Purse at all times
  • Downloading Tumblr incase I change my platform

At first, it started to help then when I mistakenly swiped down in my settings of my phone that tells you which apps you should delete because you don’t use them in awhile… that’s when I knew I could possibly be the issue (smh..lol) I mean at that point, I started to convince myself that I’m just flat out lazy -in which to others I probably am…. but on the brighter side I know I had a moment of a Hiatus. Another Pause, and every year it’s something different that triggers it and effects of why it happens.

I’m pretty sure you’ve experienced the same. Where, life gets ahead of you and can’t seem to control it, losing track of time and tiredness turns into rest that turns into you knocking the hell out, traveling excessively or simply no time at all.  We’ve all been there and time management is no joke. It’s easier said than done, but nothing is impossible.

Going back to “Commitment Issues” -I just find it funny how (saw what I did there…? Ha) we make all these excuses about why our goals aren’t getting met, why plans aren’t going through and why we’re so tired from life -that we often forget we make time for everything WE WANT to do and not to do. We make time if we want to sit and converse with guy/girl that approached us. We make time if we REALLY want to go out for the night our  weekend and have a good time. Those are decisions we make. So when it comes down to our passion, what we want to do with our lives, or making a business out of our craft, why is it so hard to focus on that and just “Do It”? What is so hard about taking a few moments to finish a blog post, a poem, finishing a book/magazine/site or what you love? What’s the real problem here? What’s the root? Let us hear but let it start from you.  It was hard for me, but look at me now see . *ting😊*

Change. Acceptance. New Levels. New Devils.

This is a prayer that I hope you all will pray for yourselves, coming into this new year. Although it’s another year-it’s also another day. Take this moment to be who you wanted to be and more last year. Take risk to do what you to do and more last year. Leave your troubles behind in the year that has past they say, but remember why you are still here and remember where God has brought you from and have taken you. My word for the year was “DETOUR” ! What was yours and did you overcome it? It may have been the worse year of your life but you made it into this one 😌! So take this year to love, accept, understand, and be present for the better. Let all of your soul and vibes catch on fire with good vibes only (GVO)! This is going to be a source of manifestation! I’ve lost connection with some friends, and have been hurt and disappointed though out the year -but God has given me clear vision as to why people are not always allowed to your next level, or into your next season (that’s because THEY weren’t ready) and that’s okay. It’s only meant for you to accept and move on. So I’m gone ✌🏾️😩and it’s all gon’ be poppin 🙃😂 ! God, what you have for me is for me and we already conquered the New Devils! So let this year take course for you, and be PRESENT in His Presence. Don’t miss out. Happy first day of the year. It is so and so it is. Amen

I love you. 😌💅😍

Motivation 2

There will always be that time where your momentum begins to start slowing down and you feel like you to need to stop EVERYTHING, to recollect. Recollect (your):

Ideas

Thoughts

Plans

Goals

Just feel the fuel to refocus. We all fall short sometimes and get handed the short end of the stick; but it’s learning how to use that short end wisely. I’m at a place in my life whereI feel like I’ve been well off then some at the age of 23 but still far behind. School is losing my interest because I’m not in it the way I want to be. Work is becoming an environment where “it’s just work”; It’s not fun and enjoyable -I guess I didn’t get to that place yet. With that money has become low and short and you’re constantly trying to make ends meet, survive and be independent so you won’t have to ask for help. Not only that I’m losing interest in dance because the vibe and the energy is not there. Dancing with people and how spirits don’t connect frustrates me -passion in Art itself is lost. I love being a vessel for other in different ways. I’m learning how to not let people and their energies effect my purpose -but it becomes hard though. At the end of the day I don’t want to let anyone down in the process (although I feel like I somewhat have already). I may be pushing through but I’m saying all of this to say is if you don’t want any negative energy to effect with yours and your spirit make a decision to remove yourself. Doing that is okay. I know because all of that effects my work ethic in ALL THAT I DO AND WANT  TO DO. My attitude changes and all I want to do is just take this and help people.

Another HIATUS, I’m Sorry :(

I’m sorry for the HIATUS you guys, I’ve been doing a lot of writing but not much posting. As a writer, I’m learning how to NOT shut-down when I get into my quiet place, those days where I dont seem or feel motivated, forgetting that they are people like you who are waiting for a post, seeing what else I have up my sleeve, are interested in what I feel and have to say!

I have to remember people are watching and that I can disappoint some and lose people’s interest in a second -so I have to be on my P’s and Q’s…

Balance is what I’m gaining and with that comes patience. So *takes deep breath* I’m going to push myself to be consistent and to not take these long pauses. Nowwwww look I’m not making a promise lol, I’m just saying bear with me as I go through this hard time sharing. I love writing and sharing my thoughts and I hope any of you that have gone through these pauses and hiatus of life that you guys push yourselves to keep working and doing what you love for the betterment of yourself and people. Push, just keep pushing through ! *high five*

-Xo NykiiJae

what am I really fighting for ? who even ?

-When do we make a decision to fight one another over Love? What were we really put on Earth to fight for? Were we put here to fight for the ones we love or to fight for our own defining of love and happiness? Is it selfish of me if I stop fighting for the one I love when he stopped fighting for me long ago? Or does that make it wrong -eye for an eye?

Since when did we come up with

Rules to let Love be fought for?

Wasting time and money like

Love had to be bought for.

I shouldn’t have scars and burns

on my hands for what I need in Life,

We . . . I shouldn’t have to

Tug on ropes for Love to stay

Because it always will

But we can switch roles

And you can be Jill and

Roll down that hill.

Since when did Love become

A toss of a coin having

To pick and choose;

We’ve really made Love a game

Like it’s a demon

Causing us ALL to lose.

Stay forcing myself to . . . Believe

I’ve wasted time fighting

For us . . . Fighting for you

Even, when I really was

Fighting for Love

To last and hold on just

A little longer

To just be a little stronger . . .

Fighting for Love

But you made me believe and

Trust something different, so

Now, I wonder . . . What were . . .

You fighting for? And . . . If

We were a team, what were . . .

We fighting for?

Oh how I’ve seen the light! Oh

Shine it on me Lord *Ha ha* See

Really, you probably wouldn’t

Even know in the 1st place

Scarred knees, red eyes, heavy

Hands, tired palms, fists full of tears

Trying to figure out why I’m

So tired from fighting

Fighting with a person who doesn’t

Even want to be fought for

Feels more like someone

Taking my hand, beating myself up

You’ve taken control and let

Me rest, what am I getting

Worked up for?

Walking around in

Silence, trying to find

Peace, within ourselves

Getting worked up some more

Thinking all has failed causing

Us to fight once more

Gaining strength some more

What Are We Really Fighting For?

Because if it’s Love

I don’t wanna fight this way

Making me feel like it’s not

Worth it, if I constantly

Have to get tired from figuring

Out if I’m supposed to fighting for

Our Love, when I know mine

Will always stay.

Past Tense

PAST
/past/
adjective
1. gone be in time and no longer existing
noun
1. the time or a period of time before the moment of speaking or writing.
2. past tense of form of verb

The purpose of this message is that although there have been certain events that were detrimental and caused some type of suffering and/or loss to your life does not mean you don’t have to look back and reflect on how the situation could’ve been different. We are human we ALL do that sometimes.

Although you’ve made some horrible mistakes just yesterday and some years ago, doesn’t mean you’re a bad person if you reflect today/tonight and see how you could have made the right decision, or even telling yourself “I know what I did was wrong, I won’t do it again”. All it takes is honesty and admittance.

And maybe things didn’t work out in your relationship, but you believe you guys can eventually work things out or even still be friends like before and you want to be able to grow in some way with the person -but you know there are some things that have to be handled and talked about before you guys can intially grow (EVEN THOUGH IT MAY HURT AND BE EXHAUSTING); so you have to dig up some dirt (the mistakes, the issues, the stuff that hurts) and bring some things out from the hole (past), to figure out how things are going to be different. It’s going to be hurtful a tad because you have to go back -but all you want to do is learn from the mistakes. If you want to grow, you can’t keep recycling the habits that were afflicting your relationship. You have to be open to making it fresh and better, a discussion is necessary to have -even if your guy/girl wants to be stubborn and thinks you’re lingering in the past and can’t get over it, and telling you “just move on”, push yourself to say well its necessary and in order to grow we have to accept our dirty  truths and fix the issues. That’s all it takes! Of course no one wants to be or feel stuck but in order for you to get out the muck Boo, you have to admit that you’re going to do better and fix it. If you’re going to continue to ignore the issues at hand whether it was from yesterday to 5 years ago then you’re wasting time and don’t care and that is unfair to you.

Accepting the past and fixing the mistakes that happened some time ago is needed for your present and future. Its necessary if you want your best friend back in your life, it’s necessary if you want your man/woman back in your life. (now there are some things in the past i.e cheating, dv* -that may not be forgiveable but yea you got me!). Touching the past won’t hurt, and it shouldn’t if you want to GROW, love. Stop thinking it’s a horrible thing because touching your past is a beautiful thing especially, if you know “you’re not the same person you were yesterday”. Grow with me and let us see how we can better!

*Domestic Violence

😉 -Xo.

Have You HURT A Person You Love/d and Why

Have You HURT A Person You Love/d and Why

Since we all know its been a while let’s cut to the chase !

So for the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking about the question and have been talking about it and have asked certain people this question just to pick their brain and I’ve gotten some pretty interesting answers… Why is it easier to hurt the ones we love than the ones we don’t know? Or simply, why do we hurt the one we love? And answers I’ve gotten were: “We take the ones we love for granted. We place expectation on that they’ll forgive us”  -this particular answer I challeneged and replied “Yes, we do that but why is that an acception?”, other answers were: lack of respect, lack of consideration, and that often times it’s not intentional and others it is, but to me I wanted to get deeper (of course, always making something deep ha)… “yea, I agree, yea, we do that..” but the answer to why still wasn’t being answered. Then it hit me: that maybe the person that’s doing the hurting doesn’t realize, sometimes, they are hurting the other person and/or they just don’t know how to reciprocate the love, respect, and consideration back like they should.

In relationships when it comes down to it people immediately come with the conclusion that “the guy/woman is probably not being loved at home” or s/he’s been exposed to different formalities of how to treat a wo/man in the house and have a disrespectful father at home or doesn’t have one at all; but to be honest  it can be the same person that has both of their parents or lives with a single one who knows how to treat a wo/man and the person still treats the other bad… FORGETTING that maybe the wo/man have had many experiences with significant others that haven’t been the best and experience a lot more betrayal than love and hasn’t recieved the type of love, respect or whatever else needed that should’ve been given. I’ve had many people tell me that they’re not used to a person who is as understanding as I am, a listener, or honest and open as I am and that it scares them. Makes them feel like I’m going to do the damage (when in the end I get hurt first and the damage is done to me). One time, I was told that I was very passionate, then when I was being described -I was flattered, but when I reflect back and think of the other times I’ve been described as this crazy, passionate person they weren’t ready for my kind of language of Love I should say. And that wasn’t the first time I’ve been called that it was just at that moment I haven’t heard it in a while… but that comes to show how people really don’t pay attention to different mechanisims that they bring forth in relationships from their past. But I see, I know …

You also grow in and from love by watching your parents, or seeing how they love on other people. Those are your lessons that you are being taught while getting older, but are you paying attention on the lessons on what not to do to the person you love, and how to fix it when you do hurt them? Acknowledge the good and precious moments, but pay more attention to the hard/ hurtful moments in relationships. That’s what makes you grow in love and makes you become stronger.

Love

NykiiJae.